I was given the unfortunate task of buying a sympathy card for a coworker who lost a loved one. Apparently the go-to image for every sympathy card is a leaf. You know, because it was once living and now it is being swept into a pile so people can jump on top of it and get all itchy.

I had no idea sympathy cards got so specific. Loss of mother. Loss of father. Miscarriage. But one went too far: loss of pet. The outside of the card had a photograph of a leash on a floor all by its lonesome. The outside of the card read Stay and the inside of the card read Don't you wish they could?

Fuck you, Carlton Cards. If I ever gave that to friend who lost a pet, I would have one less friend. Or is this is all a ruse to sell more cards that read I'm sorry I spent three-fifty to rub salt in your wound?

Oh, and fuck your Father's Day cards, too. My dad doesn't even like boats.