My parents' fortieth wedding anniversary is coming up, and to celebrate the milestone they've asked their son who never visits to spend the day with them. I wouldn't resist so much if they didn't live in crappy Orlando. It's hard to get excited about humidity and peach-colored shingles and the blocked artery known as I-4 that makes the U.S. go limp.

Actually, my parents are hosting an anniversary luncheon for the occasion. My mom said she invited thirty-four people. I was like, "You know thirty-four people? You realize the cast of Days of Our Lives doesn't count.”

What do you get a couple for their fortieth anniversary? The traditional present is ruby, so multiply that by thirty-four and I've got a pretty good inheritance lined up. But since I believe that making a present means more (and costs less), I began researching alternative ruby gifts. Check out this lame list I found on the internet: