This year, Patti and I are playing hooky from our families in order to stay at home and develop our own holiday traditions. You know, like, exchange presents next to a dog that likes to lick everything that you unwrap. And maybe eat at a nice sushi restaurant and get diarrhea.

I do have one tradition that helps me to enjoy the holiday season. I like to buy presents for myself and pretend that they came from my long lost twin who, despite being separated at birth and raised in less fortunate conditions, knows me better than a real twin who would probably be a dick and wear my clothes without asking.

Yes, I am very generous to those who are me and the person married to me. Of the gifts that I'll give Patti, I think she'll most appreciate the hall closet not stinking. I could have bleached the closet floor when we moved in, but I felt it was more special to let her smell rancid chicken juices for a year and a half so that once the smell was missing, she would really know how much I love her. Aw. Enjoy your Christmas tampon, honey.