Gush Party's Awesome Halloween Costume of Sweetness 2005 remains a highly guarded secret, but I can tell you that just like in 2003 and 2004 the ceremonial mustache is under way and I couldn't be more pleased with its awfulness. My coworker asked what my fiancée, Patti , thought of my facial hair, and I gave the habitual response, “I think the wedding is still on.”

I also hung ghosts from the trees at my house. They are quite a chilling sight as they blow in the wind to passersby, some of whom get so spooked that their fight-or-flight response kicks in and they rip a ghost off the tree and throw it on the ground as self-defense. That's why I put forth the effort; to scare those uncaring frightened bastards.

Tonight I am carving a jack-o'-lantern. Here's hoping it doesn't instill such fear into someone that he has no choice but to remove it from my porch, like he did my brand new garden hose, just so his nightmares will stop.

In other blasphemous news, God, I fucking love Halloween.

Poor Jason , though. He had his heart set on throwing a Halloween party complete with hayrides and king-size candy bars (or so I imagine). Then, I got this email:

Do not come to my party if you are a child, elderly, have an immune deficiency syndrome, or most importantly have not had chickenpox because I have shingles ! It's not really contagious unless you haven't had chickenpox, so the party will most likely occur unless I am writhing in pain with exploding blisters all over my body.

Love,
Jason Royal

I have to give Jason props on capturing the spirit of the holiday, because the thought of catching chickenpox seriously scares the crap out of me. Shoot, if someone even coughs before we pass each other, I cease inhaling until I'm six blocks past the theoretical cloud of germs.

It breaks my heart that I can't attend Jason's party, but I hope he understands that I am a germ pussy and chickenpox might as well be Def-Con Five. I guess Patti and I will have to get our fill of unlimited keg beer and back massages (or so I imagine) at Matt's party instead. Viva la not dying!

[NOTE TO SELF: Get varicella vaccine before I have kids. Or tomorrow. Whichever comes first.]