I so badly wish that I were an expert at something. Retaining knowledge that is useful, perhaps even valuable. Friends, enemies, and those who read the paper would respect the initiative I took to better myself. Companies would pay me checks with lots of zeros because of my commitment to absorb every bit of information possible. I'd deserve every accolade because I am the lone authority who could tell the world, unequivocally, that Barbra Streisand spells her first name like an idiot. And that black people look really cool when they smoke.