The dog crawled out from under the deck and I heard Patti yell, “What the fuck is that?!” A possum dropped out of Daisy's mouth. It appeared dead at first, but then its neck rotated and its teeth chomped at the air. Minus the beady eyes and potential presence of rabies, it was cute and entertaining in an animatronic kind of way. Still, I decapitated it with a shovel.

I scooped the two possum pieces into a plastic baggie, which was then placed in an empty cardboard box that Patti received in the mail. I didn't want the animal decomposing at our house until trash day, so I thought it best to drive to a nearby dumpster. I found two that were side by side. One for general trash and another that read “cardboard only.”

I have a cardboard box , I thought, and this dumpster accepts only cardboard. Makes sense. [toss]

And then it hit me… Jay, you dummy, you just threw possum parts into a “cardboard only” dumpster. And then more hit me… Jay, you dummy, the cardboard box containing said possum parts has Patti's name and home address on it.

I pictured some recycling-center employee breaking down the new delivery of cardboard boxes and [plop] out falls a maggot-y possum carcass. Naturally, the worker contracts air-born rabies and Patti goes to jail indefinitely for my mistake. No longer can I eat her prize-winning* ziti.

To remedy the situation, I climbed into the “cardboard only” dumpster and crossed my fingers that no one else had accidentally thrown in a dead animal. I retrieved the box and disposed of it in the neighboring all-purpose dumpster. For good. Without consequences. No harm done.

Sure, a money-driven landfill worker will bury the coffin o' possum next to some old tires and hypodermic needles. And rats will flock to the sweet taste of possum meat, high in vitamin rabies. And well, yes, I've contributed to a slightly higher risk of domestic plague. But more important than any of that, Patti will still play an active role in my life, and I can continue to eat her prize-winning** guacamole.

* Gold Medal Winner – 2004 Gush Party “This shit is SO GOOD " Competition.

** Special Jury Prize - 2005 Superbowl Half-Time Guacamole Taste Test Battle-Thing Over-hyphenated Face-Off