“Lady, you're my knight in shining armor, and I love you. You have made me what I am, and I am yours.”
- Lionel Richie

“Lionel, get your fucking eyes off my lady.”
- Gush Party

Patti turns twenty-awesome on Saturday. This year's birthday is going to be even better than when she turned twenty-not-as-awesome, because clearly she has gained some awesome momentum.

Last year, Patti subscribed to three magazines: Jane , Self , and Marie Claire . That's like ordering home fries, hash browns, and diced potatoes.

This year, the only thing Patti subscribes to is kicking Mischa Barton in the pussy if she sees her on the street. Can't you see that Patti's blood type is “A” for awesome?

The woman helps me learn things about myself, like when she points out: “You're whistling the theme from The Price Is Right again.” I didn't even realize I do that ad nauseam for six hours every day. Who wouldn't envy that level of awesome companionship?

We share the same world views. We enjoy the same media programming on world views. Oh, and if I'm super-farty one day, guess what? So is Patti. In conclusion, she's awesome and she's mine, so you just put your stalking efforts back on that blind woman.