I was recently given an Office Depot survey and told that by filling it out, I could potentially win a $100 gift certificate. I'm notorious for reading the fine print of contest rules, just to make sure I'm not winning an anal pounding of junk mail. Under the Prize Redemption heading (I swear I am not making this up), the rules read:

“Sweepstakes is open to legal residents of the United States and Canada (excluding Quebec)… If a Canadian resident wins a prize, that person must also answer correctly within a 5 minute time period a mathematical skill-testing question without the benefit of any human, mechanical or electronic calculating devices before the prize will be awarded."

Isn't it bad enough that Canadians have to pay three dollars more than us for a magazine? Now Office Depot wants to taunt them by pretending to throw a ball, but really hiding it behind their backs along with a calculus test. Just let Canada have its damn prize. I mean, seriously. What kind of math question are they going to ask?

“If you have a $100 gift certificate, how many $25 pens can you buy with it?”
“Uh, four?”
“Wrong. The answer is only three due to having to pay your insanely high tax.”

The rule makers in Office Depot's glass store shouldn't throw stones. I once asked a sales associate of theirs if he had “two-fifty-six (256) memory cards in the back.” Upon his return, he said, “I don't even see one fifty-six card back there.”

That story and more should have been included on my Office Depot's survey. Instead, I gave each category the highest mark possible, because everyone* knows it raises your chances of winning by, like, a million percent.

* Everyone (excluding Canada)