In college I had a friend that we referred to as Bill Number One. The name was self-inflicted because my roommate was also a Bill, and although I had known my roommate much longer, Bill Number One felt his name needed a distinction from the newly dubbed Regular Bill.

Bill Number One's name assignments didn't end there. His neighbor, Fuck Jenn, got her name not only because she was hot, but also because Bill Number One had a second neighbor, Fat Jenn, who wasn't fat, but unfortunately had twenty pounds more to her name than Fuck Jenn.

Even those without duplicated names became targets. Eli became Schmeli. Jason Rhodes became Jason Rhodes Scholar. And he ditched my last name, Carlson, and began calling me Carly Simon.

One night, Bill Number One placed an order for pick up at Gumby's Pizza under my nickname. The jackass behind the counter yelled to his coworkers that Carly Simon was there to pick up her pizza, which led to my first assignment of a nickname, Fuckface McGee.