I thought Florida was the sunshine state. I could have used some.

As expected, I didn't get many things on my Christmas wish list. My mom, however, got her gold jewelry that “doesn't turn green” for a third year in a row. The lady obviously has nothing better to do in retirement than alchemy experiments.

My shit luck continued when I lost my keys in the Atlantic Ocean, which is not an easy thing to do standing in water that's one foot deep. A locksmith kindly made me a new car key because it was Christmas, and because I paid him eighty-eight dollars. He started by taking apart my passenger door and I thought, Holy shit! Toyota hides a spare key inside the door! That's so clever! Then he simply removed the cylinder lock so he could cut a key to its specifications, and I went, “Oh. Right.”

When Patti and I got back to Atlanta, we were still locked out of our apartment. I bought a sixteen foot extension ladder at Home Depot, strapped it to the roof of my car, crawled through a second floor window, then returned the ladder for a full refund with the excuse, “It wasn't long enough.” Eye contact was never made.

To complete the hat trick, I returned to stupid work and found out that all of my coworkers got a $2000 to $4000 professional bonus except for me, because my boss felt his contribution to my IRA was “substantial.” So basically, the benefit of working for my employer for three years negates any potential for a bonus. Yep, that's a recipe for find-a-new-job right there, hence why I've done about ten minutes of work today. It's making me laugh, but I swear it's not a joke. Bringing a flask to work is the best decision I've ever made.

Some delivery guy told me to have a nice day. I slapped him.