I live in Atlanta, because I am a weather pussy. I take comfort in the idea that the city is too far east for earthquakes, too far south for blizzards, and too metropolitan for tornadoes. Apparently, the other 4.5 million people living in Atlanta feel the same way. When a snowflake falls, businesses lock the doors. When it rains, school officials duck and cover. And if you think I'm joking, then you obviously haven't seen our city's lack of road drains and lane reflectors.

Simply put, Atlanta is ill-equipped for any natural disaster. Why would we need, say, adequate road drainage for floods since we don't participate in forces of nature? Obviously, Hurricane Ivan didn't read the “No Solicitors” signs on the way into town.

I left work early to rescue Patti from downtown's massacre of wind and rain. What should have been a typical ten minute drive took an hour and forty five minutes. True, the conditions were abysmal, but it doesn't help when cars feel that the other lanes also at a standstill are somehow faster than their own. Wise up, Atlanta. If we show fear and chaos, the terrorist wins.

At one point I unknowingly drove through a river two feet deep. I never would have driven through it had I known its depth, but after the one foot mark, I was kind of committed. My car stopped in the middle, but defeat was not an option. I cursed Ivan's mother and spat in his raindrop face. I floored the gas. The wheels turned slowly until I floated to higher ground. And all it cost me was my transmission and future use of the brakes.

Mother Nature even went so far as to use more, uh, nature. Her cruel sense of humor dictated that if a tree was the exact size as the width of the road, then that tree no longer stood. All humor aside, I almost died during my trip to rescue Patti. I stopped at an intersection, and as soon as I turned the corner, a mighty tree fell and scraped against my car's exhaust.

You better believe when Patti and I got home safe, we kissed the limb-soaked ground. We demonstrated not taking life for granted with a successful evening of prime-time television, and then further ignored the weather by having sex. I lit a few romance candles in the bedroom and turned out the lights. I guess I yelled too loudly or maybe thrust too hard, because the power went out for the entire neighborhood. I apologize.