Ongoing Thoughts of Note
Think of them as mini reviews

2.18.08 - Presidents are like well-known guys.

1.03.08 - There's nothing worse than when someone tells you about their epic dream and you're nowhere in it.

12.19.07 - One word to describe me: verbose.

10.13.07 - Shrimp have way too much shit inside of them. Secretly, I think it's kind of neat, but when I'm the one deveining the doo-doo, it quickly turns into, eh, not so neat.

9.2.07 - Hitler loved cookies. Not Jews.

7.16.07 - There's definitely a finger in my eye, but aside from that there's something sharp fluttering around in there. It feels like a corkscrew or Chinese star.

6.7.07 - Babies are nature's candy that we don't eat.

4.12.07 - I'm okay with getting a $40 haircut. I'm just not down with paying for a $40 haircut.

3.19.07 - If you have to fart in public, a sushi restaurant is a pretty good place to do it.

2.25.07 - The problem with mixed nuts is they put other nuts besides cashews in it. That's mixed nuts' problem.

2.7.07 - I'm glad women appreciate a man's mind, because I think with my penis.

1.20.07 - Some people would say that an ant is stronger than me because it can tackle a chicken bone and carry more weight proportional to its body size. But let's face it, I am stronger than an ant because a chicken bone only weighs an ounce and I can bench press thirty pounds.

12.16.06 - I'm better at chess than my dog, whose only move is to whack away the pieces by wagging her tail.

11.20.06 - Sunburn is like a hangover you can't do anything about.

10.3.06 - The perfect beverage: Rosewater... in a bone China tea cup with the phrase, "Who farted?"

9.22.06 - I like looking at people online from my high school, because it saves me the cost of going to a class reunion to laugh at them.

7.29.06 - I forgot to brush my teeth this morning and everyone in the southeast knows it.

4.12.06 - It's time to bring back slang like buggin'. I know what buggin' means.

12.20.05 - Sometimes dogs will look at me a certain way and I feel like, if they could, they would marry me.

11.9.05 - Boobs are great, but not as great as vaginas, I say.

9.13.05 - Every few months I'll look at my belly-button after a shower and go, "Shit. I should probably be cleaning that."

7.29.05 - If I had a nickel for every time I was lucky to be at home watching The Price Is Right, I would have enough money to stay at home and watch The Price Is Right all day.

5.9.05 - Can you imagine if Clarence Carter had collaborated with Sir Mix-A-Lot at the height of their careers? I envy that parallel universe. The video would be so entertainingly graphic that it would cease to be humorous. Like they filmed a colonoscopy or something.

2.22.05 - I'm glad that dollar bills aren't made of fur. I'm glad dog saliva isn't made of acid. And I'm glad tattoos aren't given by ejaculating on people, because that wouldn't look very good.

2.19.04 - I had someone wish me a “happy Black History Month,” which is so stupid of a thing to say that it completely ruined my Running Man dance.

10.10.03 - Sometimes I don't want to wash my hands after I use the bathroom, but I don't want my girlfriend knowing that. So I'll run the faucet to fool her. Unfortunately the running water noise is too constant and sounds like it's running just to fool my girlfriend, so I stick my hands in there to make splashy noises. I have to do that for four or five seconds to seem legitimate. Then I turn the water off, and voila, I've not washed my hands.

8.1.03 - My place reeks of cat piss so bad that I'm going to take away the cat's water and make him drink perfume.

7.25.03 - I like foods with things hidden inside. They should make salad Combos.

5.30.03 - Dear noon-time joggers, way to be in shape for your heat strokes, boneheads.

4.18.03 - My mom sent me an Easter card with a $25 check inside. The best part is I'm not sending my kids any money.

3.28.03 - If I could somehow clone myself, and we had a heckle competition directed at one another, I think the best insult would be, “I'm gonna dump chowder all over your head, chowderhead.”

3.26.03 - You say, “Humane Society.” I say, “Sloppy seconds.”

1.27.03 - Whenever I run over an animal with my car, it feels like the square inch core of my loins just did about a hundred jumping jacks.

12.30.02 - Congratulations Wilford Brimley, my number one pick for who's going to die in 2003.

12.12.02 - Worst present ever: a big popcorn tin divided into caramel, cheddar, and butter... except the caramel and cheddar are already eaten and in their place is a used VHS copy of Mississippi Burning.

12.4.02 - Kids need to get the fuck out of people's way when they have a shopping cart. I'm serious. They're acting like infants, and I'm trying to get to the fucking Cheez-Its.

11.14.02 - They should make money free.

8.29.02 - Sometimes black people just smell funny.

8.27.02 - I have nothing to base this on, but I bet Cameron Diaz totally has the worst breath. You can just tell.